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I don’t think that many people understand but, there is a definite definition to your life when you have children. They light your way, they define your purpose, the make you whole. I look at my daughters and there is a light that emanates from them that is beyond measure. I am posting this quick in the hopes that they know this…I will update this every time I have a thought, and I will keep this NOTE going the rest of my life! • I see in each of my girls eyes secret to all the reasons my heart yearns. • When I seem them smile I find that it can take me from any turmoil I am having and will change my heart to tears of joy. • When I listen to them breathing at night, and they snuggle me close, it warms me more than any fire could. • Their laughs are the things of legend. • Their cries destroy me, and make me want to change it all just to watch them dance and move again. • When they say daddy…nothing else matters. • When I get to skip with them, I don’t care about anything else, they laugh, they smile, and they make me a true father and man in the eyes of God. • The sun radiates brilliance more powerful than anything I have ever experience off of their golden locks. • I love putting Band-Aids on a wound that is only a millimeter wide and not bloody at all. • The most powerful ocean current is nothing compared to the pull I have to be with them and to let them know I love them. • I feel because of them. • They reflect all the good things that I have been given in this world. • I sleep better knowing that two angels have come down from heaven for me to love, cherish, hold, and learn from. • They are my universe, and I am nothing but a speck of existence compared to the meaning they have for this world. • They make me better…they do…and I love them completely.
As you might have noticed, I am somewhat open regarding where I am at in my life, my feelings, my heart, and my soul. So…I haven’t really been sleeping lately (a little insomnia tends to spark thoughts of “why“…and where we can go). So, I will take this all with a grain of salt. I will learn from it,and I will grow. Isn't it odd that the things that are the hardest are the things that truly define your strength...and your compassion? Wouldn't it be easier to just quit...to move on...to become "one of them"? ...sometimes I wonder. So...the items below can be taken as an open letter...its written in the context of...if I died tomorrow, what would I truly regret...these are to nobody special, or maybe to the one I haven't found just yet! MY REGRETS: • I am sorry I didn’t hold you next to me more, and that I didn’t show you how I needed to be close, and that you didn’t “know” I needed and wanted you. • I wish I could have watched your chest raise and lower while you slept so that I could breathe you in and encompass your thoughts. • I want to listen to you sigh when you look into my eyes, the depths of which ache for you. • I should have taken you out in the rain, and kissed you while we fascinated each other in the night. • I should have looked you in the eyes and let you know you mean everything to me, all without saying a single word. • I should have totally dry humped you more (I am cheesy but this is supposed to be honest right)? • I wish I could watch the wind blow through your hair again, while I felt your touch against me…making my heart speed up and move with the anticipation of being close to you. • I should have been there…always. • I should have made you feel like you were the sun, and the rest of the universe danced around you. • I could have made you understand that my heart hurts and groans when you are not near, when I think of you, when I find myself yearning for a little bit of your attention…you should know this is how I feel. • I wish you could understand that your beauty is beyond measure, it staggers my thoughts, it holds me captive in my dreams, and you simply take my breath away. • I wish I could grab you by the nape of your neck, pulling your hair, and kissed your collarbone, your neck, the small of your back, your stomach and not stopped until I tasted your lips. • I should have taken you away, taken you without pretense, and made you sigh and remember a day and me forever. • I am responsible, and you should have felt like you could come to me for anything at anytime. • I should have made you smile more. • I wish I could see the sweat bead on your brow, upper lip, and your neck…your eagerness for me growing and expanding by the second so that you could be an angel in my eyes. • I should have made your heart explode, implode, and you should know that I belong to you. • I should have made you laugh more. • I wish I wouldn’t have made you cry tears of pain…I can’t tell you how this eats at my heart. • I wish you could feel my naked heart beat against mine once more so you could truly feel me. • I should have let you be the “big spoon” when we cuddled (but I was always worried that being the “little spoon” meant that I was the bitch). • I should have made you scream my name more. • I should have pissed you off more. • I should have made your stomach heave and dance with butterfly wings when you saw me, smelled me, sensed me or heard my voice. • I wish I could feel you on my shoulder, asleep while I finished watching the movie we started…all because you were tired and felt at ease with me. • I should have made you feel like you couldn’t catch your breath when I walked into the room • I could have come to you more, supported you more, and generally been with you more. • I should have kissed you in the moment, and not waited. • I should have held you in the moment, and not waited. • I should have told you I love you! • I could have surprised you more. • I should have told you I care. • I should have told you that you make me happy. • I should have told you that you make me cry (real men cry, screw the tough bastards that don’t…because they should). • I should have felt like I couldn’t breathe without you. • I wish I could have been your knight in shining armor (actually I would prefer black, it makes my ass look sexier and honestly, have you tried to get blood out of white armor…it’s totally a bitch)! • I could have made more of an effort to see you. • You should never have felt like I didn’t care. • I wish I could taste your skin once more, and take in your soul. • I wish I had spoiled you more, because you deserve to be happy. • I wish I could make you understand that I need all of the above from you, and that all you have to do is simply reach out to me in a small way and I would hand the entire world to you…just for one of your everlasting beautiful smiles. …I should have….I wish I would have….I dream that I could have…and so on…you’re my loves, my dreams, my soul, and the one(s) that I need…and you SHOULD know all the above and more (you know who you are)! I love you, I dream of you, I want you to understand…I need you… and these are my regrets! - Steve
This is dedicated to my grandfather, he used a pistol to take his life when I was really young and it made a distinct imprint on me. I wrote this after a dream that I have had over and over and over through the years… …in darkness dwells! close your eyes and hear the choir sing, taste the bitter smoke tinged with copper, the weight falls from your hand, hot and cold, this is your chance to make your acquaintance with burnt bile, find your place amongst others previously lost, know that it is all gone, love, pain, heart, desolation, trust that when your lights are truly out and no one comes near you…that you will finally be lost, the big sleep begins to come, washing, wasting, taking you over, slits begin to fade, light begins to burn, darkness begins to dwell… - Steve (your little “main man“)...I hope there is a part of who “I am” that makes you proud, wherever you are?
Is there a point or reason in determining pain and need? Is there that time where hurting another is worth the minimal joy you get from being lost and selfish? Is there truly a time where love is actually enough, and giving your ALL to someone you love isn't just an expectation...or is it all just a delusion that god plays with us souls?We don't need saving, but sometimes it seems that people are only into the "idea of you" and not actually into YOU! I would love for you to explain to me how you sleep with the company you keep?Sometimes I wish I could forget these "Lost Moments"
