Life's not simply about the loves or people you have "lost" it's about those beautiful encounters yet to be made!

Life is filled with people who want to screw you over but act like they love/care for you. The truly smart person will see through that Vail of secrecy and lies and chose the ones they love. This limits the amount of people surrounding you, but strengthens your heart immeasurably because they are true and not figments or false faces.

Beginnings...and burned out yesterdays!

Misfortune and deception can bring about an unintentional and stunning resurrection in ones essence.

I find that I am now tired of these burned out yesterdays and the thoughts of what has been.

Thoughts become alive if one chances on opening up to find the brilliance hiding underneath.

There are flakes of sunlight appearing on my tongue and I feel I have to say...

Were you that dream? Were you that thing? Are you the only true reflection that could open my eyes...pulling me from the famine and mendacity of these past histories?

You have made me want to see within, and that's a step I couldn't find for fear of what I might unearth and try to mask…its funny what we will try to be.

But, I am rapturous that you broke that trepidation and opened me to times of delicacy and what's truly dear to come.

There is a hope in me now that envelopes my life.......and I have found that through YOU!

Here are me and my stunning little ladies doing a dance to Spoon's song Underdog. I am a total geek in the video but, I don't care...I love my ladies and we had fun!!!

An unwritten life.

Fingers slip through open palms, while your scent lingers just...one...last...time...

Wisps of your essence fade like dew upon the last tulip in November.

Your smile is the sun my lady, and...fallen men, like me need the sun.

But, you set...

My pupils register your brilliance one last time.

Footsteps fall, and we hear the click as doors close.

Tangible love is lost.

We exit, but not the same direction this time.

I feel you fade...

You feel me fall...

Away we go to new beginnings and and unwritten life, yet to be told.

...baby DRY EYES!!!

I had placed my heart into a thing, temporary and imaginary.

Finding it all to be nothing but a dream, a sham, a seam and a lie of something in a basic tragedy.

As my eyes burn and sting they begin to lose those bright thoughts of fresh beginnings.

Closed air circles around me, pulling me into streams of tears.

Finding no reasons left to believe, we are ghosts lost and forgotten.

Every night I find one less reason to die.

...oh my dear, dry those eyes!

Snowbird Sunday Sept 20, 2009

OK, so enough of the "broken heart and soul"...right? Here are some pictures of me with my ladies (Hannah and Bella) up at Snowbird this past Sunday Sept 20, 2009. We were with family and it was a great reminder of what is really important...my ladies, my family, and being happy just being a dad!

Isn't it...

Isn’t it funny, how we see things differently?
Isn’t it odd, how we lie to believe?
Isn’t it something that the end can actually be a beginning?

Doors open “and” close.

Why don’t we get the option to choose when to open and when to close?
Why can't we choose the right and not the wrong?

Sanity is a comfortable lie.

These are those moments.

These are those moments you have lost in time and have opened to pretending.

I look back on those years and watch the veins of memories slowly disappear.

We've made SO much of forgetting.

Watching as the principles of love dissipate down that hallway we called home.

We have come together and split apart, all the while pummeling into a million jagged splinters of destiny's past.

There are those "things" worth fighting for, dying for, crying for...

...apparently I wasn't one.

...things fall apart!

We stand together, alone on an empty stage. My words fall breathlessly down upon your naked skin. I speak bits of charcoal, and flame and your toes pigeon together. Tears begin to trail like shards of glass down your porcelain cheeks, cutting into the bits of soul we still have left. Heads begin to tilt and we lose ourselves in that instance. The last true portions of honesty and loss fall off our tongues. Your eyes melt into mine, and our souls are finally two beings again. So much for being soul mates... I exit left, this stage is yet again left alone. ....everything has changed, nothing is the same.

...those dreams

It's early and your arms feel good around me. I just want to fall right back with you into that time we knew the writing on the wall. Your soft breath is hot against my shoulder bone.
Your sighs and subtle motions pull me in and bring me home.
Those moments early in the morning where motions fell right into place and dreams stayed the same... ...with you dancing around in hearts and bringing me welcome purpose.

In that broken belief

I tiptoe on the torn pieces of my heart. In the places I go I see the places I have died. And... In the faces I see that broken belief in who or what I have become. In this life, like wings it is my belief that hearts need us to soar. But... I hold off to find where I belong. In this life you are the one for me... In this life you are the girl for me...lets let it be a final belief.

It's a long ways to look back. I cannot be to blame anymore. And I laugh hard looking over my foolish shoulder, you are barely there. Because these walls around my heart are paper now and they have torn into pieces. Laugh hard my dear... it's a long way back to the beginning!

My Girls...

I don’t think that many people understand but, there is a definite definition to your life when you have children. They light your way, they define your purpose, the make you whole. I look at my daughters and there is a light that emanates from them that is beyond measure.

I am posting this quick in the hopes that they know this…I will update this every time I have a thought, and I will keep this NOTE going the rest of my life!

• I see in each of my girls eyes secret to all the reasons my heart yearns.
• When I seem them smile I find that it can take me from any turmoil I am having and will change my heart to tears of joy.
• When I listen to them breathing at night, and they snuggle me close, it warms me more than any fire could.
• Their laughs are the things of legend.
• Their cries destroy me, and make me want to change it all just to watch them dance and move again.
• When they say daddy…nothing else matters.
• When I get to skip with them, I don’t care about anything else, they laugh, they smile, and they make me a true father and man in the eyes of God.
• The sun radiates brilliance more powerful than anything I have ever experience off of their golden locks.
• I love putting Band-Aids on a wound that is only a millimeter wide and not bloody at all.
• The most powerful ocean current is nothing compared to the pull I have to be with them and to let them know I love them.
• I feel because of them.
• They reflect all the good things that I have been given in this world.
• I sleep better knowing that two angels have come down from heaven for me to love, cherish, hold, and learn from.
• They are my universe, and I am nothing but a speck of existence compared to the meaning they have for this world.
• They make me better…they do…and I love them completely.

Regrets 2009...

As you might have noticed, I am somewhat open regarding where I am at in my life, my feelings, my heart, and my soul. So…I haven’t really been sleeping lately (a little insomnia tends to spark thoughts of “why“…and where we can go). So, I will take this all with a grain of salt. I will learn from it,and I will grow. Isn't it odd that the things that are the hardest are the things that truly define your strength...and your compassion? Wouldn't it be easier to just quit...to move on...to become "one of them"? ...sometimes I wonder. So...the items below can be taken as an open letter...its written in the context of...if I died tomorrow, what would I truly regret...these are to nobody special, or maybe to the one I haven't found just yet! MY REGRETS: • I am sorry I didn’t hold you next to me more, and that I didn’t show you how I needed to be close, and that you didn’t “know” I needed and wanted you. • I wish I could have watched your chest raise and lower while you slept so that I could breathe you in and encompass your thoughts. • I want to listen to you sigh when you look into my eyes, the depths of which ache for you. • I should have taken you out in the rain, and kissed you while we fascinated each other in the night. • I should have looked you in the eyes and let you know you mean everything to me, all without saying a single word. • I should have totally dry humped you more (I am cheesy but this is supposed to be honest right)? • I wish I could watch the wind blow through your hair again, while I felt your touch against me…making my heart speed up and move with the anticipation of being close to you. • I should have been there…always. • I should have made you feel like you were the sun, and the rest of the universe danced around you. • I could have made you understand that my heart hurts and groans when you are not near, when I think of you, when I find myself yearning for a little bit of your attention…you should know this is how I feel. • I wish you could understand that your beauty is beyond measure, it staggers my thoughts, it holds me captive in my dreams, and you simply take my breath away. • I wish I could grab you by the nape of your neck, pulling your hair, and kissed your collarbone, your neck, the small of your back, your stomach and not stopped until I tasted your lips. • I should have taken you away, taken you without pretense, and made you sigh and remember a day and me forever. • I am responsible, and you should have felt like you could come to me for anything at anytime. • I should have made you smile more. • I wish I could see the sweat bead on your brow, upper lip, and your neck…your eagerness for me growing and expanding by the second so that you could be an angel in my eyes. • I should have made your heart explode, implode, and you should know that I belong to you. • I should have made you laugh more. • I wish I wouldn’t have made you cry tears of pain…I can’t tell you how this eats at my heart. • I wish you could feel my naked heart beat against mine once more so you could truly feel me. • I should have let you be the “big spoon” when we cuddled (but I was always worried that being the “little spoon” meant that I was the bitch). • I should have made you scream my name more. • I should have pissed you off more. • I should have made your stomach heave and dance with butterfly wings when you saw me, smelled me, sensed me or heard my voice. • I wish I could feel you on my shoulder, asleep while I finished watching the movie we started…all because you were tired and felt at ease with me. • I should have made you feel like you couldn’t catch your breath when I walked into the room • I could have come to you more, supported you more, and generally been with you more. • I should have kissed you in the moment, and not waited. • I should have held you in the moment, and not waited. • I should have told you I love you! • I could have surprised you more. • I should have told you I care. • I should have told you that you make me happy. • I should have told you that you make me cry (real men cry, screw the tough bastards that don’t…because they should). • I should have felt like I couldn’t breathe without you. • I wish I could have been your knight in shining armor (actually I would prefer black, it makes my ass look sexier and honestly, have you tried to get blood out of white armor…it’s totally a bitch)! • I could have made more of an effort to see you. • You should never have felt like I didn’t care. • I wish I could taste your skin once more, and take in your soul. • I wish I had spoiled you more, because you deserve to be happy. • I wish I could make you understand that I need all of the above from you, and that all you have to do is simply reach out to me in a small way and I would hand the entire world to you…just for one of your everlasting beautiful smiles. …I should have….I wish I would have….I dream that I could have…and so on…you’re my loves, my dreams, my soul, and the one(s) that I need…and you SHOULD know all the above and more (you know who you are)! I love you, I dream of you, I want you to understand…I need you… and these are my regrets! - Steve

...in darkness dwells.

This is dedicated to my grandfather, he used a pistol to take his life when I was really young and it made a distinct imprint on me. I wrote this after a dream that I have had over and over and over through the years…

…in darkness dwells!

close your eyes and hear the choir sing,
taste the bitter smoke tinged with copper,
the weight falls from your hand, hot and cold,
this is your chance to make your acquaintance with burnt bile,
find your place amongst others previously lost,
know that it is all gone, love, pain, heart, desolation,
trust that when your lights are truly out and no one comes near you…that you will finally be lost,
the big sleep begins to come, washing, wasting, taking you over,
slits begin to fade, light begins to burn, darkness begins to dwell…

- Steve (your little “main man“)...I hope there is a part of who “I am” that makes you proud, wherever you are?

Lost moments...

Is there a point or reason in determining pain and need? Is there that time where hurting another is worth the minimal joy you get from being lost and selfish? Is there truly a time where love is actually enough, and giving your ALL to someone you love isn't just an expectation...or is it all just a delusion that god plays with us souls?

We don't need saving, but sometimes it seems that people are only into the "idea of you" and not actually into YOU! I would love for you to explain to me how you sleep with the company you keep?

Sometimes I wish I could forget these "Lost Moments"

Old, but still "NEW"

…all the little things

I have had some time these past few weeks to truly ponder the little things...all those little things we choose to ignore, or forget…those pinpricks of our existence that matter, those moments that makes us “something”

There are many, many, many more that I haven’t listed below, but here are my initial thoughts:

…the first leaves of fall on an October morning, your breath hanging in the air and the chill it brings.
…a glance, and a subtle smile from someone unknown.
…the beads of sweat on your lover’s neck, collarbone and upper brow.
…the taste of something sweet after a bitter moment.
…loving and being loved for your faults.
…a full belly laugh, and the unexpected filling of joy it brings.
…rolling around in the leaves.
…the complete and utter unexpected moment you realize that you have truly fallen in love.
…the sun on your face.
…being the “ying” to someone’s “yang”.
…singing out loudly, without pretense and not caring who might hear.
…looking in the mirror and being happy with what you see.
…enjoying all the colors in the world in spite of what those differences might bring.
…the complete and utter unexpected moment you realize that your soul has healed from a broken heart.
…dancing with someone you feel, and realizing the heartbeat of your partner is speeding up just being next to you.
…a hug from someone you don’t deserve to be embraced by.
…your naked feet in warm wet grass.
…being truly naked in front of someone and not caring, and seeing them take you in.
…peeing in front of your lover (come on…it’s me…this can’t all be serious right)!!!
…a kiss on your neck.
…a touch when in pain.
…the first signs of spring, the buds truly turning, the sun on your neck.
…coming home.
…forgiveness for something you shouldn’t be forgiven for.
...holding hands with someone special in public and not caring who sees.
…a smell, a song, a thought that brings you back to a special moment or a special someone.
…listening to someone important sleep, breathing, and being at peace.
…breaking the mold.
…saying the right thing at the right moment.
…unspoken thoughts that still register with just a glimpse.
…the feeling of running your fingers through that special someone’s washed and wet hair.
…taking in the sweet breath of your lover, and feeling them become a part of you.
…butterflies in your stomach when you see or hear someone close.
…the first snowflakes on the tip of your nose.
…a wink from someone.
…accomplishing something un-accomplishable (not sure if that is a word but screw it).
…a photograph where you look amazing.
…a friend or lover that actually needs you.
…licking the chocolate off of the mixing spoons.
…the utter exhilaration from a first kiss.
…summer rain, the breeze blowing making your hair dance, closing your eyes, feeling the rain, touching the wind, hands outstretched and thunder in your heart.
…those amazing moments of getting to know someone once they have let their guard down.
…a new car (specifically German, you have NO FLIPPING IDEA HOW AWESOME A BMW IS…snobby I know, but this is my list).
…waking from a dream of a lover, and finding that person you hold dear in your imaginings next to you.
…the smell of flowers after a long winter.
...crying and the release it brings.
…a shiver up your spine while listening to the song or artist you love.
…a true belief or “faith” in something more, and not finding it because a religion tells you it is there.
…a memory of someone you lost, but you know is still there, besides you with their hands on your shoulders when you need it.
…hearing your child’s heartbeat for the first time, a first breath into a new life, the cry that they have truly arrived, and the utter fascination they bring into your life.
…realization that you truly matter to someone that doesn’t have to care.
…laying on your deathbed and actually realizing that you will be missed, and that you matter.
…finding that you remember these moments that you overlook, because you are evaluating your life for the “right reasons”
...and last but not least, celebrate the fact that a flipping REPUBLICAN is no longer our president!!!

…to me…these are the items that give our lives a theme, these are the thoughts that make our miraculously small existence something, these are the fabrics that weave us into something entire, that make us more than the sum of our parts…these are the moments that truly make us cherished and unforgettable, the times that take us along our remarkable journey…these are all the small things that make us whole, that make us matter and memorable.

Welcome, Welcome, Welcome...

Here is my first post...it ain't much but there is FAR MORE TO COME.

This "BLOG" will be more of a creative outlet for me than you typically see (or maybe I should just shut up and join the scrap booking crew). In any case, I have many photos...writings and posts...well...to post. So keep an eye out and find me on facebook (Steve Nielsen, Utah).

Here's looking at you kid!